hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
