well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
