you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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