if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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