i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
