If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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