She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
are you so shy because you have an std?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
