can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
