return my video game
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
