i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I queefed so loud it echoed.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
