You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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