I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
