I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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