I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
