Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
