Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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