I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
