insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
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He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
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Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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