You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
