Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
