with your own penis?
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
