Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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