sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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