Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
