thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
