i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Randomize
