he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
