she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
