So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
