Define "chronic" masturbator.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
