Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
