Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
