I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize