ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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