what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
