i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
