My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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