the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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