i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
babies were throwing up all over the place
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
