Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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