This dress was meant to end up on your floor
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Randomize
