he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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