the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
