I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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