it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
