take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
