I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
