Cold hands, warm shart.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
