I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
