mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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