Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I think your dad took our porno
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
