I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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