We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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