I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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