Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
