We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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